Understanding People Pleasing: A Journey to Self-Acceptance

Have you ever found yourself saying "yes" when you really wanted to say "no"? You’re not alone. In our desire to be liked and accepted, many individuals fall into the "people pleaser" role. This instinctive response is often driven by a fear of conflict, rejection, or abandonment. As a result, many overlook their own needs. However, it is possible to shift this behaviour and cultivate true self-acceptance and confidence with insight and support.

In this blog post, we will explore what people pleasing looks like, how it affects us in our daily lives, and how counselling can be a powerful tool for change. By understanding the roots of this behaviour, we can take significant steps towards prioritising ourselves while building stronger, more authentic relationships.

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is the act of putting others’ needs above your own to gain approval or avoid upsetting someone. This behaviour can manifest in various ways:

• Frequently agreeing with others despite personal disagreements

• Overcommitting to projects or events to avoid disappointing others

• Feeling guilty for asserting your own needs

  
  

Research shows that around 70% of people report feeling pressure to please others. This often stems from childhood experiences where love and acceptance were conditional. Clients often cannot decline requests, fearing that saying "no" might lead to disappointment or conflict. They may feel they must embody the image of a “good friend” or “dependable partner,” even at their own expense.

The Cycle of Approval Seeking

Seeking approval can create a damaging cycle. Initially, pursuing validation may feel rewarding. However, this can lead to exhaustion and discontent over time. When individuals continuously look to others for approval, they may neglect their own feelings, which can diminish their self-esteem.

In my practice, I encourage clients to examine the motivations behind their people-pleasing behaviours. Recognising these triggers helps clients identify patterns that contribute to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. For example, they might realise their urge to please often arises when they feel uncertain about their worth, which can lead to resentments.

Fear of Conflict

Conflict is frightening for many people pleasers. Many believe conflict is inherently negative. They fear it will lead to interpersonal loss. This belief can drive individuals to extreme lengths to maintain peace, even if it means ignoring their own needs.

In counselling, I provide a safe space to explore attitudes toward conflict. Clients can learn effective communication strategies to express themselves assertively.

The Impact of Rejection and Abandonment

The fear of rejection and abandonment fuels many people-pleasing tendencies. When one's sense of self-worth is closely linked to others' opinions, it can manifest as over-explaining, excessive apologising, or a generally compliant attitude.

During sessions, we often unpack these fears and explore their origins. A common exercise involves reflecting on past experiences that formed these fears. This helps clients understand that their worth is not tied to pleasing others. We examine the running scripts in their minds and determine whether these beliefs still serve them.

The Role of Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem frequently underpins people-pleasing behaviours. Individuals who feel disconnected from their true selves might rely on external validation to fill the void. This cycle of seeking praise can worsen their self-image.

In counselling, we often work through beliefs about self-worth. Clients build a stronger sense of self-acceptance by combating negative self-talk and nurturing self-kindness. When we work with self-compassion, we create a healthier relationship within our internal world.

Finding Balance

Overcoming people-pleasing involves learning to balance one's needs with those of others. Recognising when to say "yes" and when to set boundaries is essential. Prioritising oneself does not equate to being selfish; rather, it fosters mutual respect and better relationships.

In counselling, we practice boundary-setting techniques and assertive communication. For instance, role-playing scenarios where clients express their needs in a safe space helps them gain confidence and clarity for real-life conversations.

The Power of Self-Reflection

Self-reflection is crucial for understanding and overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. Journaling, practising mindfulness, and guided self-reflection can offer deeper insights into individuals' thoughts and behaviours. As clients engage in reflective practices, they often uncover motivations and fears they previously overlooked.

Through self-reflection, individuals can pinpoint moments when they neglect their own needs to please others. This newfound awareness paves the way for greater self-acceptance and healthier relationships.

Embracing Authenticity

Ultimately, counselling aims to help individuals embrace their true selves. Recognising that having needs and experiencing conflict with others is natural is essential. By moving away from the urge to please, individuals can cultivate stronger, more meaningful connections.

I encourage clients to explore interests beyond their relationships. Engaging in activities they enjoy can reignite their sense of self, leading to more fulfilling interactions.

Cultivating Your Authentic Self

Addressing people-pleasing behaviours is a transformative journey toward self-acceptance and empowerment. Counselling offers a supportive environment to explore fears and beliefs that drive these actions. With the right guidance, individuals can learn to balance their own needs with the needs of others, seeking authenticity over constant approval.

While deep-seated fears may take time to unlearn, change is possible. Through therapy and self-reflection, individuals can foster self-acceptance and confidence. This will lead to healthier relationships.

As you take this journey, remember that you are not alone. With time and dedication, you can cultivate an authentic sense of self that embraces your needs and those of others.

Get in Touch. If you're looking for in-person counselling in Furzedown, conveniently located between Streatham and Tooting, I’d be happy to hear from you.

I also offer Walk-and-Talk Therapy, which may be a helpful alternative if you're searching for counselling near me in South London, including Tooting Bec Common, Clapham, Balham, and Streatham.

For those based further afield, I provide online counselling worldwide and telephone sessions as flexible, accessible options.