What is codependency?

Codependency often comes from unmet emotional needs, sometimes childhood trauma, other times more subtle family history or generational issues. I’ve seen it again and again in clients  as the urge to lean on others for love, validation, and self-worth, often at the expense of our own boundaries. You might catch yourself putting everyone else’s needs first, struggling to speak up, or slipping into fixing, rescuing, or trying to control just to feel safe and connected.

While these patterns often begin with a parent or caregiver who was neglectful, unpredictable or even abusive, they can also show up later—in teenage friendships or adult romances—especially if you’ve ever felt invisible, lost sight of your own needs, or found yourself managing someone else’s emotions.

I find that working with others sometimes there isn’t a dramatic story to point to. Maybe you had a “fine” childhood, with loving parents doing their best. Yet you still catch yourself people‑pleasing or rescuing. That’s where generational trauma may creep in: your parents may have carried unspoken rules from their upbringings, Don’t talk, Don’t trust, Don’t feel. Maybe grandparents or great-grandparents were alcoholic, narcissistic or emotionally shut down, or eras when kids were to be “seen and not heard.” Without anyone spelling it out, you internalise messages like “hide your needs,” “manage your feelings,” “earn your love.” Those unconscious messages from generations past can guide how you relate today.

At its core, codependency is, “I’ll silence my own needs so I won’t be abandoned or rejected.” And that belief can look like perfectionism, workaholism, overhelping, or even subtle manipulation, as we try to shore up a fragile sense of safety. You may appear endlessly giving, but under the surface is a deep fear of being “too much” or “not enough.”  Do you feel resentful for all that giving and being flexible?

Many codependents I work with describe intense anxiety when they’re apart from someone they’re close to—what we call adult separation anxiety. It harks back to those early attachment wounds and sits firmly on the codependency spectrum. Most of my clients with these issues find it very hard to say no and often try to people-please by abandoning their needs to be liked, loved, and approved of. They often “go with the flow”, and it might be a deep-rooted fear of abandonment or fear of confrontation or upsetting others.

Common Codependent Tendencies

Recognising these patterns is the first step towards breaking free from codependency and building healthier relationships:

• Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries – finding it hard to say “no”

• Taking responsibility for others – feeling accountable for other people’s thoughts, feelings or actions

• People‑pleasing – habitually prioritising others’ needs and desires over your own

• One‑sided sacrifices – giving far more than you receive in relationships

• Fear of abandonment – constantly worrying that others will leave or reject you

• Chronic perfectionism – driven by a need for approval and fear of criticism

• Deep feelings of inadequacy and low self‑worth

By becoming aware of these tendencies, you can begin to challenge them and develop more balanced, self‑affirming ways of relating.

The Power of Group Work: Co‑Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)

Going it alone isn’t easy. That’s why many people find Co‑Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) such a game‑changer. In CoDA meetings you’ll discover:

• Shared experience—hearing others’ stories of people‑pleasing, anxiety and self‑sacrifice helps you feel less isolated and identify with others in a supportive space.

• Practical tools—CoDA’s Twelve Steps and Traditions offer a program for recognising codependent habits and practising healthier choices.

• Accountability & encouragement—working the steps with sponsors or partners gives you a built‑in support network.

Working with CoDA with individual therapy can be especially powerful for change and growth. Therapy helps you dive into your personal history and emotional blocks, while CoDA meetings keep you connected and practising new skills in real time. Group feedback teaches you how you come across in relationships, and the peer support reminds you that change is possible.

There are face‑to‑face and online meetings everywhere, so give yourself permission to explore a few. Each group has its own rhythm and mix of people—if one doesn’t quite resonate, try another. You might be surprised how different the next one feels, and it’s perfectly normal not to find the right fit the first time.

https://codauk.org

Therapy in Streatham & Tooting Bec, South London

If you’re struggling with codependency in Streatham or Tooting Bec, you’re far from alone. In my private practice—conveniently situated in Furzedown—you’ll find a compassionate, confidential space to begin reclaiming your sense of self.

How Therapy Can Help

A skilled therapist will guide you through each step of the healing journey:

1. Building Self‑Awareness

   • Explore how codependent patterns manifest in your relationships

   • Trace those patterns back to childhood wounds and family blueprints

2. Creating a Holding Environment

   • Practise saying “no” and voicing your needs without fear of rejection

   • Notice and tolerate the discomfort that comes with new ways of relating

3. Setting and Enforcing Boundaries

   • Learn to define what you will—and will not—agree to

   • Protect your time, energy and emotional well-being

4. Cultivating Self‑Esteem

   • Challenge beliefs that you’re “not enough” or must earn love through giving

   • Develop kinder, more accepting self‑talk

5. Encouraging Healthy Self‑Care

   • Establish routines—from breathwork in Tooting Bec Park to mindful walks along Streatham Common—that nourish body and spirit

   • Embrace hobbies and relaxation techniques that bring you joy

6. Strengthening Communication

   • Practise expressing feelings and limits clearly and respectfully

   • Rehearse assertive conversations in a supportive space

7. Providing Ongoing Support

   • Celebrate every step forward, however small

   • Learn from setbacks without self‑judgment

     
     

Ready to Begin in Streatham or Tooting Bec?

I work with clients from SW16, SW17, SW12, SW18, SW9, SW8, SW4 and SW2. Whether you live near Streatham or Tooting Bec, you’ll feel right at home in my welcoming therapy room in Furzedown, offering online and outdoor therapy options.

Book a free 15‑minute consultation today, and let’s explore how you can finally put your own needs first—without guilt or fear.