The Inner Child and Inner Critic: Learning to Treat Ourselves with Compassion
In my work as a counsellor, I often meet people who are compassionate, gentle and understanding towards others, yet incredibly harsh towards themselves. They can offer a friend kindness and reassurance, but when it comes to their own struggles, their inner voice can become critical, demanding and unforgiving.
Sometimes, we become our own biggest bully. We berate ourselves for making mistakes, tell ourselves we are not good enough, or feel that whatever we do, it is never quite enough.
I often wonder what happens to the younger, more vulnerable parts of ourselves when we speak to ourselves in this way. What does our Inner Child hear when our Inner Critic takes over?
Understanding the Inner Critic
Our Inner Critic is that internal voice that judges, questions and challenges us. It might tell us we are not good enough, that we should have done better, or that we must work harder to be accepted.
For some people, this voice has been present since childhood or adolescence. Perhaps they grew up feeling that they needed to achieve, behave in a particular way, or keep others happy to feel valued. Over time, these expectations can become internalised, so we continue to put pressure on ourselves long after the original circumstances have changed.
Our Inner Critic may believe it is protecting us. It might be trying to prevent us from making mistakes, being rejected or experiencing disappointment. But its approach can be damaging, leaving us feeling anxious, ashamed, inadequate or exhausted.
One question I sometimes find helpful is this: If someone spoke to a colleague or a friend in the way you speak to yourself, how would you feel about it?
Would you consider that person motivating and supportive, or would you recognise their behaviour as bullying?
It can be surprisingly difficult to acknowledge how unkind we are to ourselves.
What happens to our Inner Child?
The idea of the Inner Child offers a way of understanding the younger, more vulnerable parts of ourselves that we continue to carry into adulthood. These parts may hold memories, emotions, beliefs and unmet needs from earlier experiences.
Our Inner Child might need love, safety, attention, encouragement, playfulness or simply the freedom to be themselves without fear of criticism.
When our Inner Critic is particularly loud, these younger parts can be left feeling that they are never good enough. Mistakes may bring shame, rest may feel undeserved, and expressing our needs may feel selfish. We might become perfectionistic, constantly seeking approval or putting other people's needs before our own.
Although our Inner Critic may have developed for understandable reasons, its voice can end up reinforcing the very feelings of inadequacy it is trying to protect us from.
Imagine being a child who is already feeling frightened, lonely or uncertain, only to be met with more criticism. What that child may need is not another demand to do better, but reassurance, understanding and a sense that they are accepted as they are.
Meeting the Inner Cheerleader
Alongside our Inner Critic, we can begin to develop another internal voice: an Inner Cheerleader, or Inner Champion.
This is the part of us that offers compassion, love, kindness, gentleness and encouragement. It does not mean pretending everything is fine or avoiding responsibility when we make mistakes. Instead, it means learning to respond to ourselves in a way that supports growth rather than creating more shame.
For example, instead of telling ourselves, "I'm useless. I always get things wrong," we might practise saying, "I made a mistake, and that's difficult, but it doesn't define me. I can learn from this."
Instead of, "I should be doing more," we might try, "I've been working hard, and it's okay to rest."
And instead of, "Why am I so sensitive?" we might ask, "What has upset me, and what might I need right now?"
These may seem like small changes, but they can begin to shift our relationship with ourselves. We are not trying to replace every difficult feeling with a positive thought. We are learning to meet ourselves with greater understanding.
When kindness feels unfamiliar
For people who have spent years criticising themselves, self-compassion can feel uncomfortable or even undeserved. Some worry that being kinder to themselves will make them lazy, complacent or less motivated.
Others are so used to looking after everyone else that turning their attention towards their own needs feels unfamiliar.
It can be helpful to explore where these beliefs came from. When did you learn that you had to be hard on yourself? Whose expectations are you still trying to meet? What do you fear might happen if you stopped putting so much pressure on yourself?
Sometimes, the critical voice that we experience as our own has been shaped by messages we received growing up, experiences of rejection, or the belief that love and acceptance had to be earned.
Understanding these patterns can help us respond to ourselves differently. Rather than criticising ourselves for being critical, we can become curious about what that voice is trying to do and whether there might be another way.
What might your Inner Child need from you?
Our younger selves may need different things at different times. Sometimes we need reassurance and comfort. At other times, we might need more play, laughter, creativity, spontaneity or the freedom to express feelings that we once had to keep hidden.
You might find it helpful to pause and consider a few questions:
What does my Inner Critic regularly tell me?
How do I feel emotionally and physically when I listen to that voice?
If I could sit alongside my younger self, what might they need to hear?
What would it look like to offer myself more kindness and encouragement?
Is there something I enjoyed as a child that I no longer give myself permission to do?
You do not need to have immediate answers. Sometimes simply noticing the way we speak to ourselves is a meaningful starting point.
Learning to relate to ourselves differently
Developing a kinder relationship with ourselves takes time, particularly when self-criticism has been part of our lives for many years. The aim is not necessarily to get rid of our Inner Critic altogether, but to recognise when it takes over and develop other ways of responding.
We can learn to acknowledge mistakes without humiliating ourselves, take responsibility without falling into shame, and recognise our limitations without seeing them as evidence that we are not good enough.
In counselling, exploring these patterns can help us understand where they began, how they affect us now, and what we might need in order to relate to ourselves differently.
Perhaps the most important question is this: What might change if you offered yourself the same compassion, patience and understanding that you so readily give to other people?
Our Inner Child does not need us to be perfect. It may simply need us to listen, to care, and to learn that we do not have to earn our own kindness.
Counselling in South London
If you recognise these patterns in yourself, counselling can offer a space to explore your Inner Critic, understand the experiences that may have shaped it, and develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
At Talk To Evolve Counselling, I offer counselling in South London, including Balham, Streatham and Tooting, as well as online sessions.
Inner Child Breathwork in Balham
If you would like to explore this theme experientially, I am also running an Inner Child Breathwork session on Thursday 15 October at 7pm in Balham.
The session combines guided visualisation, Conscious Connected Breathwork, and time for reflection and integration. It offers an opportunity to turn your attention inwards, connect with younger parts of yourself, and explore what they might need from you today.
Find out more at Breathe To Evolve.
Mark Hoffman
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